Deep Breath
by Radiant Angel Girl
Summary: Her eyes had taken on a glazed faraway look, and he could tell that even though she was in the bar, sitting next to him that she wasn't really there.
1. Chapter 1

0.

"Are you hurting?"

"No, just angry. So, so angry. He made a fool out of me." My hands were made into small fists, and I pushed my knuckles into his thermal covered chest. I couldn't even look him in the face. My chest was hot and I felt the flush from the alcohol warm over my cheeks.

"Just angry? You sound like you expected it."

"No. I just…" I took a deep breath and looked up at him, "didn't give myself the chance to really love him yet."

"But you were gonna-"

"Yeah. I'm good at pretending." I felt so lethargic. The buzz was starting to get to me. I opened my palms on his warm chest, and rested my forehead there and felt his hesitant arms come up around me. "Can we just... do this?" I pushed him backward into the sofa and climbed into his lap. I brought my hands to his neck and pulled his face up to mine. His response was gentle, and then he withdrew.

"No."

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><p>Here's something new. Just a short "prologue" or preview. :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**I.**

I don't recall wanting anything more than to be a cop. I remember thinking that to be a police officer, to clear the McNally name, it would be amazing.

My childhood was less than perfect. For the bulk of my preteen years I felt well loved, and I was oblivious to the problems my parents were going through. When I turned twelve, I guess my parents decided I was old enough that they didn't have to try so hard to hide it. They basically gave up hiding the fighting. Well, my mom gave up. She would start things in front of me, and when my dad didn't want to bite… it just gave her more fuel.

My dad would say, "It's a good sign if it hurts this much." He'd be throwing back glassfuls of Jim or Jack or Jose or whatever was around the house. "It's a good thing," he'd say, "it reminds you just how in love you really are."

The problem seemed that while my dad was really in love with my mom… She was really in love with this guy that she worked with. So… she left us. A week before my fourteenth Christmas… She left.

My dad didn't really handle it well. He was already drinking a lot. Between the stress of working homicide and coming home to fights, I think he kind of shut down inside. Like a subconscious self-defense mechanism or something like that. The combination of all of it- it was too much for him. He turned to the bottle, and forgot about me. And eventually, they asked him to leave the service. The job that he had loved so much, that he had, in essence, sacrificed his family for.

I became the parent. My dad became this raging alcoholic. He was both an angry and a sad drunk. I would get the calls from bars that told me of his fights with other patrons. I had to collect him, with his bloodied nose or black eye or eyes.

So, the second I graduated from high school, I applied to take the exam for the academy. Passing the paper exam was cake, so was the physical trials-I had been athletic in high school… not that I had anyone from home to cheer me on.

My first day on the job was a miracle. I call it a miracle because it was basically a miracle that I survived. I mean, it was my first day on the beat with a gun in my belt, Kevlar on my chest. If that wasn't enough to make a person squeamish, I don't know what is. I made it through that day miraculously without the slightest hitch.

I had arrived the station a little earlier than I thought I would. I mean, generally, I'm usually a little on the late side of everything. Late and underprepared, but not that day. I was there early, so I took my time getting familiar with my surroundings, my new home in Fifteen Division.

I remember looking up at the staff sergeant's office with wonder, seeing two plain-clothes men talking with Sgt. Boyko for a few minutes, both looking intensely serious. The same look was mirrored from Boyko.

Of the two men, the skinny, curly haired man was doing all the talking, with frequent gesticulations. I mean, I thought I spoke with my hands a lot. This guy might as well have been using sign language.

The other guy… I could tell he was the usual strong silent type: dark, brooding, handsome. He was tall, olive skinned, with dark hair, and from across the bullpen I could even see his dark eyes and lashes. He was the kind of guy you took a second look at. Yup, takes two looks to fully appreciate what you have in front of you.

A door shut nearby, startling me out of my stare-fest. I looked back up and saw both men shaking hands with Boyko, before exiting. Curly led the way purposefully, but not before Tall, Dark and Handsome looked my way and caught my glance as he pushed through the front door.

I suddenly felt like I was in "curiosity killed the cat" mode. I walked back to the ladies locker room, and caught up with my best friend Traci, who had already begun her preparations for the day. We had met at the academy, and became fast friends.

She was tall, dark skinned, with an attitude made for the badge. She had good cop instincts, which was usually why I could never keep a secret from her. She looked over at me with an eyebrow raised, already able to tell I had something to say. So I started, "So, something was up in Sarge's office already this morning."

"Yeah, Jerry told me about it." Jerry was one of the division's detectives. Traci had been seeing him on-again-off-again for a few months, since they had met at the academy, where, I might add, she was his student. So against the rules, but it wasn't serious back then. Right now they were in "on-again" phase so she got the dish on the goings-on in senior officer and detective land. "That was, uh, Boyd, I think. He picked up Swarek for an undercover assignment that they're starting next week. Boyko's upset because Swarek was supposed to be a training officer, and pulled out last minute."

"Hmm. All things to look forward to, I guess?" I was tucking my shirt into the top of my pants as I heard her snort with laughter. I clipped my tie into place and looked up at her with my annoyance clear on my face.

"Yeah, like you'll be doing undercover work, Andy. You wear the truth on your sleeve. You could never tell a lie."

I shrugged, pulling the Kevlar vest out of the locker, and slipped my arm through the hole. "Maybe that's not a bad thing."

"In this line of work it can be." I pressed my name into the Velcro of my Kevlar and walked to the door with Traci. We met up with the boys, Dov Epstein, and Chris Diaz. They had both been in our rookie class, and we were glad to have been placed at 15 together.

"I am so nervous," Chris said, rubbing his hands together.

I was too, but I wasn't gonna let him know that. "Don't be. It's our first day. We'll probably just sit in the squad cars all day while our TOs take care of all the cases."

At parade, Sgt. Boyko managed to hide his irritation at his subordinate quite well. He actually made for some kind of proud papa as he gave us this really inspiring and scary speech about us not being prepared to face the real world.

I was assigned to work with Oliver Shaw. I got this seasoned cop vibe off the older man and while still mildly nervous about my first day, he seemed friendly. He introduced himself and we both got into the cruiser to start our day. I was maybe a little overeager. Okay, a lot overeager, but it was my first day. He started out saying we would go have some "talk" over breakfast, but there was this murder in a crack house that totally threw a wrench in that plan. Never got a chance to have that talk, but I did talk myself out of a ridiculous hostage situation later that afternoon.

Basically, this distraught kid found out his sister had been getting drugs off of this one heroin dealer- Mink Barker. Well, Mink let the kid's sister OD and the kid shot him. The sister- she ended up okay. And the kid? Well, hopefully the justice system works in his favor, I mean, he was only trying to protect his sister.

But the other thing about this case- the detective on homicide was gorgeous, a real golden-boy. He was so nice, too. And he didn't strike me as the type to go and develop a drinking problem over the stress anytime soon. So when he asked me the next day if I wanted to get a drink with him, I agreed. This guy-Luke Callahan- well he seemed the total opposite of any guy that I had dated before. And, well, those relationships really worked out, didn't they?

Drinks with Luke, that was, well, hmm. He's really sweet, and genuine, but this guy likes to talk about himself. A lot. I got to hear quite a lot about the last couple of murders he worked, and while that was interesting… Well it wasn't really. But he totally got that I was bored, and took his chances and asked me out again. Dating Luke turned out to be just what I needed. He was easy, simple. It comforted me to have such a low maintenance relationship.

My first three months proved I was born to be a copper. But they also cemented the fact that I was no good at being a hooker, and by association undercover work. And when I turned to Luke at the end of the day, it's like he was everything I needed. Luke soothed my burnt ego, saying that it wasn't a bad thing. "You have an open face, and you're an honest person."

Luke made me happy. Happier than I had been in so long. He totally understood my issues with relationships. "A cop with commitment issues? What's new?" He just let me be myself, and when our off time was in-sync we would go away for the weekends. Sometimes his fishing cabin, sometimes a hotel in the city. He figured out that that was the easiest way to condition me into sleeping in a bed other than my own. I laughed at him when he explained it to me. It caught me off guard, and I guess I didn't really know what to think of it.

All I could think was: I could be happy with this guy. Like the forever kind of happy.

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><p>Yeah, so that probably wasn't what you were expecting. It's not my favorite work, but the next chapters need some kind of set up. I'm not really great at beginnings.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Okay! Here is the substance. :)

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><p><strong>II.<strong>

I remember my first brush with death clearly. That feeling of panic that you get when you realize that pulse beating in your ears is the rate at which blood is oozing out of your body. Every beat of your heart is taking you one step closer to death. You get frantic.

"You're moving in with Luke-warm?" Traci's nose scrunched up in distaste. He hadn't really impressed her as boyfriend material. She said she couldn't see the pair of us together, but she supported my decisions. She really just wanted what was best for me. "You guys haven't even been seriously dating six months."

We were eating lunch before our night shift one day when I sprung the news on her. "Yeah. Uh, he bought a house and since my lease is up this month he asked me to move in." I stabbed at a piece of lettuce and a crouton absently.

"Sounds like he's asking you because it's convenient." Traci looked to the side before reaching for her water glass.

"It _is_ convenient. Traci, I spend most of my time at his place already. Most of my clothes are there. It's like I'm overpaying for storage." I emptied my iced tea, and looked for her support.

"Homicide Luke. I guess I always just figured he'd be good for a few rides and then things would move on. But you two… It's serious, yeah? You'll have to throw a house party of course!" And there was that smile that I knew. The one that said she was truly happy for me.

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><p>It was during that night shift, at the end of the seventh month of my rookie year. I was paired with Oliver Shaw, as was common of late. We had fallen into a pattern, him and me. We made a good pair, I'd like to think. He would drive to some food place, buy a snack, and then I would drive us around for a while. We weren't looking for anything in particular, so we found a convenience store, where Oliver parked. I needed to stretch my legs, so I walked down the street maybe forty paces. I looked down an alley where I heard a grunt. Reaching for my flashlight, I took a step forward into the dark. I looked down for just a moment. This was long enough for some guy to rush at me and push me into the brick of the building.<p>

It was like all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. There was this burning pain in my abdomen, just below my ribs. I hadn't been shot, had I? My mind was running in circles of self preservation. I moved to open my mouth, and could taste blood on my tongue. It was so strange to me. I dropped my flashlight and sunk to the ground. I tried to reach for my radio, but it was as if my body was paralyzed from the shock of it.

My eyes were everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. This white hot pain burned through my gut. All I could do was push against the Kevlar to stop the bleeding. I heard footfall come to a rest next to me, but I could barely get my eyes to focus on the form. It was a man with dark hair, different from the one whom had injured me. He dropped to his knees and pushed one hand into my gut to put pressure on the wound, and the other grabbed my radio as he leaned close.

"This is 6114. Officer badly injured in alley half a block south of Gerrard and Jarvis. Send a bus. Officer down. Officer down."

I latched onto the man's arm. If I was going to die, I was thinking, I didn't want to die alone. He leaned away from me, pulling his hands back and pulled off one of his shirts and pressed it under the Kevlar.

"McNally, what's your 20!" I could hear Oliver calling over the radio. He must have realized the close proximity of my location to the radio call.

The man started to back away from me, even as I grabbed for his arm. I coughed, and could taste the blood dripping from my mouth. It was cold in that alley.

"You'll be okay. It's okay. You'll be okay." I heard the sirens drawing near and heard another set of footfall nearing. My eyes locked with his dark ones.

"McNally!" My rescuer jerked his arm out of my grasp and took off down the alley in the other direction. At that point Oliver took his place and put pressure into my abdomen. "Andy you're gonna be okay. Okay? This ambulance is gonna take you to the hospital. I'm coming with you. We're gonna fix you." He sounded so worried. I briefly wondered if that was how he talked when his children skinned their knees or broke their arms.

At that point, I just couldn't keep awake any longer.

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><p>When I opened my eyes, the bright lights of a hospital room greeted my vision. I felt stiff and groggy, and I could barely piece together that it <em>was<em> a hospital room I was in. The scratchy feeling in my throat was overpowering, and when my eyes finally focused on the other occupant of the room, the only word that would form was "Water."

"Yeah, of course, girlie." It was my dad. He looked clean and sober, but tired. He moved like he had slept in a hospital chair for a few nights. At the foot of my bed he poured water over some ice chips and unwrapped a straw. He pressed the straw to my lips and I took a small sip, the water soothing the burning in my throat.

"What happened?" I mean, I knew I had been injured, but I wanted to know the gist of what happened after that.

"Uh, you were stabbed in the abdomen, honey. They fixed that, got in there and sewed you up. You lost a lot of blood on the field. You've been out for a few days."

A knock at the door startled both of us. A familiar swoop of blond hair poked inside the doorway. "You're awake!"

"Luke!" He walked in, and stood on the opposite side of the bed from my dad and took my hand. It was comforting, the way he traced his thumb over mine. Oddly, though, his presence made me feel claustrophobic.

"You should go home, Dad. Get some sleep. They are taking care of me here. You need the rest."

"Yeah, I guess. I'll be back tonight, sweetie." He reluctantly got up from his seat. He squeezed my hand a pressed a kiss into my forehead. I just smiled at him in reply. As he walked out the door, Luke took the chair that had been vacated.

"So, you're not on my case?" I was trying to be funny, but I couldn't tell how effective it was.

Luke just blanched for a moment before saying, "Uh, you didn't die, so no." He just sat there and held my hand for a while. "I love you, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." That was my easy reply. I didn't have a problem with the words, but every time I thought of them, I remembered my dad, holding the bottle close after my mom left. I was almost grateful when a nurse walked in to check my stats and my doctor poked her head in the door.

"Good! You're awake. Someone was supposed to come get me. I'm Dr. Platte. I wanted to go over the procedures we did." I nodded, and tried to shift forward. Luke placed an extra pillow behind me. "How are you feeling?"

"Uh. Sore I guess. Throat hurts."

"That's from the tube. We took that out early this morning, because you didn't need it. You were brought in two nights ago with a stab wound. It appeared to be from a short blade, so it didn't do too much internal damage. It did nick your spleen, which caused a lot of internal bleeding. We repaired that without having to remove it. Your small intestine was also nicked, but we fixed that, too." She was going down a list on her chart before she finally looked up at me. "Do you have any questions for me?" she asked, brushing a stray hair from her face.

I grimaced, and spoke, "When can I get back to work?"

Dr. Platte hooked the chart onto the foot of my bed and took a step forward patting my foot. "My guess is, you'll be out of here in two days. I'll want you on bed rest for about a week at home, and after that you'll want to get started on some physical therapy. I don't see why at that point you couldn't work at a desk for light duties for a while, until physical therapy gives you the range of motion you need for street work."

"So about two weeks?" That didn't sound so bad, except for the fact that I was supposed to move out of my apartment and into the house at the end of this week.

Luke squeezed my hand and added, "You can enjoy the new house by yourself for a while, huh? Jerry'll help move your stuff." I looked up at the doctor again and smiled weakly. She nodded her head and left the room.

"That sounds nice, Luke. Are any of my friends around?" I didn't want to sound like I was kicking him out, but he was making me feel constricted.

"We've been taking shifts with you. Uh, Shaw said he'd be up around, well, now. Nash and Jerry said they'd be by around three-thirty." My eyes found a clock and focused. It was one-fifteen. And just below the clock, I saw a person enter through the door.

"Oliver!" I was happy to see him. He was wearing that humble/proud smile. Luke stood and shook the officer's hand before he made his way to the door.

"I got to get back to 15. I'll be by later, Andy."

(I was taken aback he hadn't taken a few days off of work to stay with me. I mean… your girlfriend almost dies and you go back to work? WTF?)

"You know, McNally. You are a trouble magnet." Oliver settled into the chair.

I scowled at him. "I know! I… I don't know what happened. Why am I not…? Who saved me?" I could feel my eyebrows furrowed together instinctively and it was giving me a headache… or maybe it was the meds they had me on. "Walk me through it?"

Oliver gave a sharp nod. "Uh, well, you got stabbed by a drug dealer. There was a UC in the area that saw it happen. He called in on your radio, if it wasn't for him. You'd be… well, you wouldn't be here. That guy…" Oliver just shook his head and chuckled. "He's your guardian angel, I'd say. If he ever comes back around you need to buy him a drink, and so do I. I recognized his voice, and the coordinates, and we were the only coppers in the area. I got a little worried, and ran to the alley and there you were, and he took off. Couldn't be seen talking it out with the police."

"Who was it?"

"I'm not really supposed to tell you that. But, uh, his name is Sam Swarek, been undercover since you started, so you never had the chance to meet. He was supposed to be your guy, not me."

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><p>Review. K-thanks.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**III.**

"Shouldn't your boyfriend be helping you go home?"

I looked at Traci like she had two heads. "Luke's working today, he'll be home early. Couldn't get away."

Traci just shook her head and sat down in a chair while I worked myself into a pair of gym pants. "Couldn't get away or wouldn't get away? I mean I understand why they wouldn't let me off work when you- you know. I heard Best offer him some time off."

I stopped trying to get a shirt over my head for a minute. "Traci. Do you want to be here or not? I can call my dad."

"No, no. I want to be here, Andy. Of course I want to be here. I just get the feeling he doesn't."

The pecking was starting to irritate me. "Traci!"

"Fine, fine. Changing subject. There's a new D at 15. Det. Jo Rosati just transferred in from 27. She's kind of a character."

I needed a little gossip, I decided. "Yeah? How so?"

"Nothing in particular, Chris keeps talking about how she gets these crazy-scary eyes when she gets excited about a case. I think he's got a crush." She paused for a moment and rifled through her purse for a pack of gum. "Cinnamon?" she offered. I declined with a grimace. I always hated spicy gum. "Now that he and Gail are on the outs, I think Dov is trying to put the moves on Casper."

The nickname made me giggle before a spark of pain rippled through my abdomen. I groaned and looked at her like she punched me. "Traci! Don't make me laugh!"

"Sorry, sorry."

She helped me into my fleece jacket, and we waited for Julia, my nurse to come back with my discharge papers. She appeared a few minutes later, all chatter. "I was beginning to think nobody shared my love of late night soaps! Andy, I don't want to see you back here unless you're about to deliver, if you know what I mean." She winked. "A man like that, marry him! He's such a gentleman." I heard Traci snort behind me. "Ignore her, I think she's jealous," Julia whispered with a chuckle.

I was discharged on Tuesday. Luke had the new bedroom furniture moved into the house that Monday, so it would be ready for me. It wasn't what I would have picked, but, eh. Furniture was furniture. He had a TV set up on the dresser, with cable so I could veg out for a few days, while I recouped.

His case load was heavy, he told me, but it was getting better with the extra detective. Each night, he would come home around eleven, face drawn. But when he looked at me, it softened a little. That meant something, right?

Thursday, Dov, Chris and Jerry helped Luke move the rest of the furniture into the house. Traci and I started decorating. Well, I started pointing at things and giving orders for her and the boys to follow. We made quick work of getting everything settled.

Friday afternoon, as I was arranging my small knickknacks around the living room, (Because I was tired of laying down) I heard a knock at the door. Gail, of all people, was who I least expected to visit.

"Should you be up, right now?" was the first thing to leave her mouth.

I answered, "Who was gonna open the door if I didn't?" She smiled and I let her in. She eyeballed the entry of the house, and walked inside a few steps. It wasn't that I didn't like Gail, she was just hard to take in large quantities.

"Everyone else was on shift today, thought you might be a little lonely." Well, to say the least, I thought it was odd. My face must have given me away, because right away she was counteracting the kindness, "Don't look at me like that. I'll push you and leave you like the old lady who fell and couldn't get up."

That made me laugh, hard. It hurt-a lot-and that must have easily shown on my face. A second later, Gail was by my side, guiding me over to a chair. "There's soda in the refrigerator, if you want, or Luke has one of those coffee-pod machines." Even if I couldn't run around, I still needed to be a hostess.

"I'm fine for now." She sat down next to me, and had a serious look to her face. "Look, Andy, I wanted to tell you about something I overheard yesterday. Did you know we had a new detective join us?" At my nod she continued, "I walked by the D's office yesterday while Luke and this new chick were fighting. Apparently, they used to be in a relationship." Very quickly, before I could respond she added, "I don't get the feeling that Luke is even remotely interested in walking down that path, but the way she was looking at him… She is. I just wanted you to know. I would want to know," she finished with a shrug.

I processed for a few minutes. She trusted Luke, but not this Jo chick. Gail was being a friend. Weird. Luke was working with his ex-girlfriend and didn't tell me. Stupid man. And a whole other jumble of thoughts went in and out of my mind.

"Thanks Gail. I'm glad you told me. Luke hasn't said a word."

We sat and made small talk for a while. What I noticed about Gail, at that very moment, was that she was a very good friend. At least, she was when she wasn't putting on a show for everyone else.

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><p>After a week or two, I settled into a routine. I started going to physical therapy. I wanted to kill myself afterwards because it was harder than I imagined, and Luke would cheer me up. That's one of those things I love about him; he's great at cheering me up.<p>

My first day back on the job, everyone was thrilled to see me. Oliver even bought me coffee. It was a welcome surprise from him. Even though I remained on desk duty, it was nice to get back into the day to day routine of going to work and coming home. Luke and I were pretty much on the same schedule for a while, so our down-time was pretty well synced up.

I was getting back into the groove just in time for evaluations. Even though I didn't have much opportunity to work the beat after my recovery, I was still kept in time with the rest of the rooks.

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><p>Rehab gave me the go ahead to start working the streets the day evaluations were due. Instead of working with Oliver as was usual, I was paired with Noelle, another senior officer. I had gleaned much from her in the few times we had been paired. Just as we left parade, Luke pulled me into his office.<p>

"Hey," he said, "I didn't want to wake you earlier." He reached down into his pocket and pulled out a flat velvet box. "Here, it's a 'Happy You're Better' gift." He handed it to me and smiled wide. I ran my hands over the surface, and opened the box. Inside was a beautiful chain with an amethyst pendant. It was gorgeous.

"Put it on me, put it on me!" I was excited to say the least. I ducked a little as he brought the chain over my head to fasten it behind my neck. "I won't take it off. Thank you, Luke." On my toes, I gave him a quick peck and joined Noelle where I had left her waiting. As I looked back, his head was poking out of the doorway, watching me leave with a smile.

That shift, though, was brutal. We were called to a home, and were instantly met with a dead person. It was a teenage girl, who had slit her wrists in the kitchen while her parents were gone. We had to stay there with the family until a detective ruled the death a suicide, and the paramedics collected the body.

This was the first experience I had working with Det. Jo Rosati. It was her case when she arrived. She looked at me, recognizing my name, commented on my relationship with Luke, "You're Callaghan's girlfriend, right?" she said. I responded to her questions with only a curt nod. She noticed the necklace peeking out of my uniform, and remarked again on our relationship.

Just, by the end of the night, I was emotionally exhausted by the very situation. And it was only exacerbated by Jo's constant pecking at my relationship. I was feeling beaten down, and discouraged, and reminded of my parents' marriage. It was draining.

That night, when Oliver cut my tie, I looked across the room and Luke was nowhere to be found. I felt… I just felt.

I went home alone, rolled into bed alone, felt over my scar and laid awake until Luke finally called to explain the case he was working at three o'clock in the morning.

And all the while I lay there, fiddling with that necklace, wondering if he even cared to remember that I was cut loose. I wondered if he cared that I worked with Jo, who he still had yet to tell me about. I wished he would ask about _my_ day. All of which made me feel ugly and selfish.

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><p>I debated making this longer, and fusing it with the next chapter. Thoughts?<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

**IV.**

So it had been about a month, and I had been mildly stewing over the former relationship between my boyfriend and Det. Rosati. I had a difficult time communicating my discomfort with their working relationship to him. He always wanted to brush it off. These minor details that shouldn't matter, now appeared as holes in a newspaper.

Working with Chris one day illuminated a whole new side to the story. That boy was a chatty Kathy. He could out-talk the best of them, including myself. So when he chatted his way into detailing an argument between the pair, an argument that was actually about me, I let him yak away.

"Jo's a bitch," he said with annoyance.

My eyebrow curved upwards as I wondered, "How so?"

"Okay, so yesterday she and Luke were in the D's office with the door open and everything having a total fight. It was weird. S'like she wants him to ditch you or something ridiculous like that. But he's totally into you. She called you "doe-eyed." What does that even mean?"

"She thinks I'm naïve." I shook my head to throw the negative thoughts out.

That night, I lay in bed, and when Luke walked in at one-thirty in the morning I confronted him. He sat on the edge of the bed and loosened his tie as I asked, "How long were you and Jo together?" He stopped his motion for a moment. Then he stood, and walked to the vanity, tossing his tie there, and throwing his sport coat over the closet door.

"Three years." He toed out of his shiny shoes and undid his belt, placing it rolled next to his tie.

"How long did you live together?" He was quiet for a moment; I could see him looking at me in the dim glow of the street lights through the window.

He started unbuttoning his shirt, before replying, "Two and a half."

"How serious was it?"

He unbuttoned his pants, and looked over at me. "We were engaged, but it didn't work out."

He stepped out of his slacks and slid into bed next to me and laced his fingers through mine. "Do you still love her?"

"No." And that was all I needed to hear. I turned onto my side, and he pulled me close. Even then, it just didn't feel the way it should.

The next morning, you could say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My hair wouldn't comb flat, my cell phone charger wasn't plugged in. I looked at the calendar and saw that it was my birthday of all days. The cherry on the proverbial cake.

I hated my birthday; it was just another reminder of the things I had lost. My mother, my happy childhood, my father were all among them. If I had any control, the other rookies would not find out about the fact.

I stumbled out of the bed and into the shower, my toes making hard contact with the door frame. Mumbling out expletives, I began to get ready for my day. I ended up forgetting my phone at home altogether.

My day was overall egregious. Every human being that I encountered was a dick, an asshole, or flighty bitch. I was so aggravated by the end of my shift that I wanted nothing more than to get plastered and pass out for the next two off days. I sat down to finish my paperwork, when Luke passed by.

"Hey, I'm probably gonna be late tonight. I'm about to head to this crime scene. You going to the Penny with the other rooks?"

I looked at him for a moment, trying to read his expression. It was weird. "Uh… yeah, probably."

"Okay, well, see you when I see you," he responded, pressing a kiss into the top of my head. He gathered his keys and walked towards the door.

Maybe an hour later I left the station and grabbed a cab headed for home. I was already second guessing my decision to hit the Penny, and decided I needed to grab my cell first anyway.

I had no sooner turned the key and opened the door, than felt like I was walking onto the set of a bad porno. My heart rose into my throat and then sank. The moaning and squeaking of the mattress in the room just off the hallway drew my attention. I threw open the door to the master bedroom and found Luke entangled with Jo. Luke, who had told me there was nothing between him and this woman, looked at me like I had just killed a kitten.

Now I understood why she had called me naïve.

"You are a lousy fucker, Luke," I heard myself shout, drawing his surprised face. I had to get out of there, I spun on my heels and walked quickly out of the room. "Fucking asshole. Bastard!" I grabbed my gym bag from where I had dropped it, throwing it over my shoulder, and grabbed my cell from the table and pocketed it. I turned, looking back at the bedroom door, and saw Luke rushing out clad in a sheet.

"Andy, wait!"

He was about to say something more when I cut him off, "No. You do not get to explain your way out of this one, Luke. You do not get to talk your way out of this while your ex-fiancé is lying naked in _my_ bed." I gripped the handle of the door hard and wrenched it open, when the light from a street post glanced over the stone that set in the pendant he gave me. I saw its reflection shine in the mirror of the entryway. "Oh!-oh, here. Have this back too," I said, unclasping it and flinging the necklace across the room where it landed somewhere in front of him. I walked out the door, slamming it behind me.

I walked down the driveway briskly, not turning back once. Immediately I pulled my cell phone from the recesses of my coat pockets and flipped it on. He had taken advantage of my trust.

And that's how I ended up in a bar, well, the Penny, clutching a glass of aged whisky in my sticky palms, sipping slowly allowing the alcohol to burn as it coasted down my throat. The burn soothed my aching pride. "I just don't have the energy to be disappointed anymore," I told Liam, the bartender. He looked like he was trying to be interested, but had heard this same sob story before. I stared off into space, and must have looked odd or really drunk to the guy that came up behind me.

He looked over at Liam and flagged him down, said something like "She one of ours?" and Liam nodded.

I started yammering about my disdain for humanity at that point and he shut me up quickly, asking, "Do you want to get out of here?"

"That depends. What do you hope to gain by leaving this bar with me?" I recoiled a little.

"I don't know." I looked up at him, suddenly feeling super defeated. "I don't know what to do anymore."

"Well, let's start with introductions. I'll buy you a drink, and you can tell me what happened to leave you in this sorry state." I watched him make eye contact with Oliver across the bar, so I assumed he was safe to be around.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. I'm Andy…McNally."

"Sam Swarek." He extended his hand in greeting. This guy? Really? I was already three sheets to the wind, so I went with it. "So…What happened that leaves you this down? Must have been something pretty bad."

I bit the proverbial bullet and told him, "About an hour ago I walked in on my boyfriend screwing his ex."

"That would do it. That's pretty rough."

Then I found myself telling him, "And it's my birthday." I never told people about my birthday.

He winced a little on my behalf. "Okay, extra rough. Your man didn't know?"

"Never asked." Now he just shook his head, and downed his drink.

"How long have you been together?"

"Eight fucking months."

"Did you drive?" I shook my head to the negative. "Good. I'll call a cab."

* * *

><p>And enter Sam Swarek. And what are we at... T-minus 4-ish months? Oh and review please! Kthanks.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

So so sorry for the long hiatus. School just kinda kicked my ass a little. Guess what? It's almost Thursday!

* * *

><p>I pushed him backwards into the entryway of his house. His spare figure was comforting, as he put his arms around me. I felt myself tear up a little at the gesture. Yet another way Luke was good at failing me.<p>

"Are you hurting?"

"No, just angry. So, so angry. He made a fool out of me." My hands were made into small fists, and I pushed my knuckles into his thermal covered chest. I couldn't even look him in the face. My chest was hot and I felt the flush from the alcohol warm over my cheeks.

"Just angry? You sound like you expected it."

"No. I just…" I took a deep breath and looked up at him, "didn't give myself the chance to really love him yet."

"But you were gonna-"

"Yeah." I felt so lethargic. The buzz was starting to get to me. I opened my palms on his warm chest, and rested my forehead there and felt his hesitant arms come up around me. "Can we just do this?" I pushed him backward into the sofa and climbed into his lap. I brought my hands to his neck and pulled his face up to mine. His response was gentle, and then he withdrew.

"No." And I was so tired. Definitely drank too much.

"Okay." I just rested my forehead on his shoulder.

* * *

><p>And then when I opened my eyes I was in bed and light was just starting to stream in through the window coverings. It took me a good couple of minutes to remember just where I was. I sat forward, and immediately regretted that decision. I was so dizzy, and my head just pounded. I had clothes on, and I'm pretty sure I'd remember if… There were, uh, two Advil and a glass of water on the side table.<p>

And there was a note there, too. _Andy, hope the hangover isn't too terrible. I had to go into work early, sorry I'm not there. Help yourself to coffee in the kitchen, but there's no food. Haven't restocked everything yet. I programmed my number into your cell if you need to call. Just lock the door on your way out. Sam._

It was…nice. And weird. This guy trusted me. And I wouldn't have remembered his name if he hadn't written it. It was something familiar. Sam… Sam Sam Sam… I was blanking on his last name. I looked at my phone, and there it was. Sam Swarek. Along with 25 missed calls, 10 voice messages, 20 text messages.

And it dawned on me. My guardian angel. And I had already screwed that relationship up.

So later when I went into work, and saw him talking with some other cop, I waved at him. And waited.

"Sam, I need to talk to you."

He smiled at me this big dimpled smile. "Okay… bout what?

"Last night, it's just…," I trailed off, for a moment gathering my words and wits. "It was what it was. I just wanted you to know. I know we didn't… but I needed a rebound, and you were there. And I would have. So thanks?"

He stood still for a moment, not sure of what to do, really. So he crossed his arms across his chest and leaned backwards slightly, pursing his lips and squinted his eyes discerningly at me.

"It was what it was?"

"Yeah."

"Just a rebound?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm." He stood still for a moment, watching me watch him, gauging his reaction. He took a step backwards and stuffed his hands in his pockets, and slowly turned away stopping for a moment to rock back on his heels and turn towards me, "We'll talk about this later, eh?" Then he walked away towards the exit.

I stood there a few moments, confused, before turning around towards the locker room. Immediately I was ambushed by Traci. "Andy, where were you last night? Luke called me like twenty times trying to get a hold of you. He kept telling me to say he was sorry. What happened?"

"Uh, Luke cheated on me. With Jo. I found them at the house together." Traci's eyes went wide, then sympathetic.

Her arms were around my shoulders. "Oh my God! Andy! Why didn't you call me? You could have stayed at my place."

"I, uh, found a place to stay, for the night."

"Okay?" She looked at me like I was possibly crazy.

"Sorry, it's just, can we talk about this later. I have to go out there and face him, probably."

"No, yeah. Yeah. Later. And drinking."

"Yeah."

* * *

><p>It wasn't half an hour later before Luke was jogging after me. "Andy, wait!" I looked across the barn to see Jo looking like a sad puppy in the D's office.<p>

Iturned around to face him and told him quietly, "Luke, no. I get it. You made a mistake. But I am sure you realized you were making that mistake before you got to the house, before you got into my bed with her." I looked at him and could feel the heat of my anger radiating away. "Look. I won't be home tonight. I'll come by for my things another day. Just don't ask me to forgive you, because I can't. Not anytime soon." I could tell he wasn't finished with me but I was past done with him. So, I walked away towards the parade room.

And as if all karma was against me, I was paired with Sam Swarek.


End file.
